Sunday, April 15, 2012
KNOWING WHAT YOU DESERVE IS STRENGTH!
I'm celebrating my 1st year of freedom from a man I loved. Things didn't end well and it didn't have to escalate to where it did, but... shit happens. He began talking to me like I was less than and became quite disrespectful when an argument ensued. Arguments got to be prevalent in the last 4 months of the relationship. We proclaimed love but his mouth's nastiness and his mood swings escalated to the point that he could NOT live under my roof!
There's but so much I can do to make a relationship work. I was in full wife mode - cooking, cleaning, inspiring, taking care of the bills, nurturing and supportive. While he was doing his very best to keep me to himself at the movies, dinner out, casinos, bars, or new & exciting places, he'd get upset when I did things with my children and or grandsun. He told me to tell him what I wanted and I did. But depending on how he felt that day, the objective was up for grabs.
I don't want to go into detail regarding the actual last day or the few solid reasons leading up to the separation only because, one: it's personal information I'm not ready to share in Cyberspace - a few real friends know all that happened ; and two: I don't want to draw a biased picture. He apologizes every time I speak to him. He knows what happened. I still love him but we can't be together like we want because I don't want to feel the way I do when he's upset. He still loves me, but feels really bad about how things went down.
Here are a few things I have to remember when I engage in a relationship with a man. You can't change a man but you can definitely make sure he treats you respectfully, lovingly, compassionately and as a partner or Queen/King on a pedestal. You choose which you'd like to be treated as pending your attitudes & the way you carry yourself to your partner.
A relationship is a serious thing, especially if you are talking about marriage. A ring doesn't matter. A date for the wedding doesn't matter. What DOES matter is the fact that you find someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with and whatever come what may, you both will be happy to weather the storm, should it arise, together.
You want to be secure in knowing that your significant other is just that - an other. They may have their own friends and their own interests, and you should be happy to be introduced to them all or not. That makes the respect mutual and genuine on both ends.
When a disagreement turns into a heated argument, don't yell, don't start cursing if you weren't already and don't shut down in anger. Try to talk whatever it is out. Try real hard to NOT be disrespectful or say spiteful, hurtful things. Don't bring up old controversy to add on to the subject at hand. Don't walk out or go to bed angry. But do leave if you cannot control yourself and you feel a physical encounter may arise. There should be NO hitting, pushing, mushing, shoving, slapping, kicking or striking done by either of you!
Divulge your past ONLY if your partner can take it. If you were promiscuous before you met them and you plan to be monogamous now, it may look suspect and keep your partner suspicious. All those friends of the opposite sex are now suspected past booty calls and one-night stands. You should know how your partner will react and if you don't, you may want to divulge minimal information.
Don't put your partner over your children, whether they are your children's parent or not. As a parent, your children look to you for guidance and it's up to you to balance where and what you do pertaining to your children and your mate. I cannot tell you how to avoid this. I can only say, DO NOT let anyone other than yourself discipline (physically or verbally regulate) your children! Thoroughly explain why. You are the parent and your children may not know this person. You cannot expect your children to love your mate like you do. Their relationship needs to build on it's own foundation. That's a book in itself, but trust me when I say what I write!
I'm stronger now because I know what I want but more importantly what I deserve. I've always been helpful and I look out for people on general principle. I'm here for a greater purpose than to live in a bad situation and subject my children to that lifestyle. Real Talk!!
Just a few thoughts that ran through my mind. I could write a book about what I've been through... Wait! I am writing a book... Look for it! Enjoy your life and make the most of each & every day! May The Most High Continue to Bless U!